102 enrollees?!?!

Three months have passed; one term has lapsed. And it's so surprising to realize that I was able to make it through. I'm even wondering how I was able to get through this long period of not seeing the only person that makes me smile (that smile that truly comes from the heart). But I did it and here I am, almost reaching the end of the road. And yet, I crossed a hump on the road just this day and I believe nothing could be more surprising to me than seeing that name on a list I did not think would exist (anymore). I was really looking forward to seeing that name on the graduation list and yet right before the term ended, there it was...that name on a list of 2006-2007 first term "ultra-senior" enrollees. I didn't know what emotion to feel. I know I would really be glad to see this person marching towards the stage getting that diploma, the ticket to the business world. But then, seeing that name also injected an ecstasy drug on me that all of a sudden I'm full of gladness and I couldn't seem to be able to concentrate on our lessons once more.

But what can I do?
After all, I'm only human, vulnerable to the power of my emotions.

Wow...ECPECT THE UNEXPECTED!!

Sa Isang Pirasong Papel

Sa isang pirasong papel, maaari nating maisulat ang isang paalala. Pwede rin natin itong gamitin upang maihatid ang isang malambing na parirala o pangungusap sa ating minamahal. Sa maliit na pagsusulatan, maaari rin natin maipabatid ang ating nararamdaman sa ating mga kaibigan. Pero nakagamit ka na ba ng papel para sagutin ang iyong mga katanungan? Sinubukan na namin iyon ng aking mga kaibigan nung kami'y sabik na sabik na malaman ang mga bagay-bagay tungkol sa ilang kalalakihan. May mga sagot na tumpak ngunit mayroon ring ilan na para bang
kaduda-duda. Ngunit kanina lamang, isang paggamit na naman sa papel ang aking natuklasan. Tulad ng dati, may mga sagot na nakasulat sa papel. Ang pinagkaiba nga lang ay noon ay mga pangalan samantalang ngayon naman ay mga oo at hindi na kasagutan. Isang tanong na nasasagot ng oo o hindi ang dapat na buuin sa isipan, pagkatapos ay bubunot ng isang papel na taglay ang isang sagot. Hindi ko talaga ninais subukan ngunit dahil sa kawalang-buhay sa klase ni -ehem-... sinubukan ko na rin. Ako ay nagtanong sa aking isipan tapos bumunot ako ng isa sa mga papel na pagpipilian. Ako'y natawa kahit ako'y nasaktan. Bakit ko nga naman tatanungin ang ganyang katanungan samantalang alam ko
naman ang kasagutan...
ika nga ng kaklase kong nagsulat sa isang pirasong papel na iyon...
"NO WAY! Mangarap ka!"

SUPERHEROES

What makes them so great is not really their costume nor their powers or abilities but the philosophy by which they live their lives.

THE DAY BEFORE THE BIG EXAM

I feel so cold
Alone in this room
And then she came
And inserted something on me
At first I felt the pain
Minutes after heat came
And after it was done
She said we’ll just have to wait
For tomorrow we’ll see the result

Written without malice, hope you read it without malice too ü

THIS WEEK’S JOURNAL

A Hectic Week: Not much time to think?

WHEN STUPIDITY KNOCKS IN
Monday, March 21, 2006

On this day, I took my first exam in ACMOD3A. I was a little bit tensed as I had nothing to support me that day. Without any book reviewer nor a copy of the exam of the other class nor any old testament at all, I entered that room carrying only that piece of knowledge that Cabrera and Hilton shared with me. But the exam was ok…or so it should be…if it wasn’t only for my stupidity. I passed that test sheet early on even wondering why I was ahead of the others, only to find out later that I missed ONE WHOLE PAGE containing 5 QUESTIONS which amounts to 10 POINTS!!! Damn stupidity!! I went back to the proctor hoping that it was a mistake of them not being able to attach that last page to my test papers, only to face the truth that IT WAS REALLY MY FAULT! How could I have missed it? Now, I’ve lost one big opportunity for making it more than my usual 2.0. That test could have given me the edge that I might need for the 2 following quizzes and the comprehensive exam. Still, I didn’t dare ask our professor for mercy or grace or any consideration because I know that IT’S ALL MY FAULT.

And yet, like any other human, I went home feeling depressed (not really because of the grade but the reason why I lost that grade) and wishing to blame this on that finding. But later on I realized, if I would blame everything to that finding then I’d have something to blame for whenever I do something wrong for the REST of my life.
And so I wrote:

Di ko alam kung iyon ang talagang dahilan
Di rin kasi maipaliwanag ang mga nararamdaman
Maaaring ganun nga kalakas ang epekto nito sa aking pagkatao
Pero hahayaan ko na lang bang magkamali ang sarili ko at doon lahat ituro?
Kung ganun, para ko na rin hinayaang huminto ang buhay ko
Kaya’t tulad ng isang bayani, hindi ako magpapatalo
Patuloy ang pagsugod tulad ng isang sundalo

Tatayo hangga’t may lakas
Lalaban hanggang may bukas

Later on that night, a friend of mine sent me this quote:

Don’t focus on what you lost but what remains.
Don’t focus on the pain but how that pain shaped you.
Don’t focus on the failure but on the great lessons that failure taught you.

Wow, it felt like she just knew what happened to me.
Thing is…I don’t believe in these things a hundred percent.

“Giving reasons to everything is consoling ourselves. We may look at situations in a positive or negative way. This is where our moods depend. But this does not change the fact. Death is death. A break-up a break-up. Failures are failures.” -one of my made-up philosophies

Yes indeed, the pain may shape us. Yes indeed, the failure may teach us. But knock knock reality…IT MAY also NOT. We want to believe that there’s a reason behind everything but no there may not be(I ain’t saying there can’t be…those are two diff. things)
But still, I don’t totally criticize those people because after all we are merely human beings and we need this or else we may die of depression or worse live a dead life.

So, it’s still my fault and no one can change that fact. It may be due to that finding or it may not. It may have happened to serve as a lesson for future tests or it may not. But then, thanks to daily inspirational messages from friends because somehow in some way, it still lifts my soul.

WHAT DREAMS SAY
Tuesday, March 22, 2006

Some people say that our dreams are the reverse of reality, which means that when we dream of something, it won’t happen. Yet some people say that their dreams are premonitions, it depicts a picture of what is bound to happen. Well, I can prove both right. Tuesday night, I slept soundly from 12:30am to 8:00 am, and in that 7 ½ hours of deep sleep, I came across various people at various places. But I couldn’t remember most of it anymore just as I can’t remember every scene in a movie. But there were these two scenes that still remained in my head even as the sunrise greeted me. First was that we have received our course cards for our OJT and it stated 3.0 Whooh! Now, did that make me want to take a peek at that envelope? The second scene was that Rustom has been evicted on the Wednesday eviction night as he garnered only 3% of the people’s votes. Hey, was that believable? (I mean….you know…with that huge population of the federation)

But before this day ended, the reality of those dreams transpired. Course card day is still a month away so it’s too early to speak but today we were allowed to look at the evaluation form sealed inside an envelope and MY DREAM WAS PROVED WRONG. And yet, when evening came, a special announcement was made putting a halt to the PBB’s votation until Wednesday night because one of the four nominated housemates is going out on a voluntary exit. Right at that moment, I had a feeling who it would be. No, Rustom was not voted out by the public but the very essence of my dream was true, Rustom is about to exit Big Brother’s house this Wednesday night…which means MY DREAM WAS QUITE RIGHT.

AS I COMMUTE
Wednesday, March 23, 2006

MR. PASSENGER (a.k.a. Mister Gwapito)

Patawid pa lang ay natanaw ko na
Talagang bukod tangi kanyang hitsura
Grabe na ‘to (ang kay Bianca na tono)
Umupo pa talaga sa tabi ko
Tanong ko, saan kaya ang punta niya
“Bayad..Magallanes..estudyante”, sinagot ba!
Grabe! (ala Bianca ulit)
Ang lalim pa ng boses niya
Haaay…siya kaya’y makikita ko pa?
Pero ba’t ganun, parang malamya..

Funny…because right before I went out of our house, I was contemplating on what really constitutes a man/woman and what makes him/her gay/lesbian/bi-. I was even having a debate with an unknown contender in front of an invisible audience, whom I’m also trying to convince. I wanted to make a point that we can’t just point to a guy and say that he’s gay because the criteria created by the society may not be accurate. I was even pointing out that falling for a person of the same sex does not necessarily put you into a homosexual position. I believed (or so I said) that the conviction must be within himself and from himself for after all who knows us better than our very own self? But look at me….I just saw this ‘yummylicious’ very ‘papable’ guy and a simple act crossed my sight and I’m concluding that he’s not straight?!?!?! Ü

MR. PEDESTRIAN (a.k.a. Mister Maginoo)
Sa totoo lang ang layo mo sa akin
Ngunit nang ako’y maabot ng iyong tingin
Lumapit ka’t tumawag ng “miss!”
Haaay ang bait mo, gusto na kitang i-kiss
Sa mga rumaragasang sasakyan ikaw ay sumugod
Nang pati ako ay makatawid, o gawaing kalugod-lugod
Munting akto, simpleng paglilingkod
Patunay na di pa rin nauubusan itong mundo
Ng mga maginoong tulad mo

SENSATIONS IN MY HEAD

Thursday, March 24, 2006

Something’s going on inside my head
I couldn’t concentrate and I couldn’t seem to wait
I wanted to go home but I know I must not
For I have to stand by that oath of mine

Sadly, I know this has a bearing on why I was not able to follow on with our discussion today

Various reactions came out
Each viewer has his own opinion
Well, I have mine too
And I have a strong belief that this one is true
No, it’s not really because of Keanna nor is it about the statement of Bianca
I believe it’s about him and the game
It’s about the housemates and the public
It’s about dignity and pride

But then who am I but a single viewer also in search of an answer

A HAPPY ENDING?
Friday, March 23, 2006

I thought I would have nothing special to post this day until 6:30 pm arrived. I came to JPIA’s year-end party because of the only reason that we have been required to attend. I didn’t think I’ll enjoy it because I know it isn’t a real party (as in party!!!) but a series of programs plus food. But while watching, I thought, hey it’s actually fun. I even considered it as one good stress-reliever. It was a pleasing sight, seeing those talented-not-so-confident, confident-not-so-talented, and talented-and-confident performers that night. I also enjoyed judging the contestants and having somehow accurate judgments at who would win. I also had fun making a stereotype philosophy for accounting majors as most of them talked of success, carpe diem and setting one’s mind to achieve. And so I went home feeling relieved.

Or so I thought…as one shocking news slapped my face. Tonight, I mourned. I didn’t wear black or did I light any candle. After all, I don’t know if she sees me now or if she even has a soul. But I shed a million tears as I found out that Mulan died. She was so strong, probably even the strongest of them all. But that’s it. After seeing her sa last Thursday, I did not see her alive and barking once more. Why didn’t I sense it back then? And why does it have to be her? The beloved pet whom I really held in my arms when she was still a puppy and one of the only two pets in whom I see a reflection of myself. She’s the only pet in fact who showed most of my traits.

After some thinking, I realized that it was also within this week when one of my cats(ako lang yata pinapayagan niyang humawak sa kanya) gave birth. After which we didn’t see her for a day or two. And one night as we arrived home, I saw her so weak in the middle of the road. I came to Cutie and asked her why she was there. She looked straight into my eye and gave a low weak “Meow” as a response. After going inside our house to put my things aside, I went out and did not see her anymore…and I haven’t seen her until tonight…now I believe she's given up one out of her nine lives.

I then reflected…why is this happening? Could it be? I can’t say for sure. All I know is that
“Sometimes, pets die to save their master’s life”

(You might think I’m really a psycho upon reading this last part but no one may understand just how I feel about the situation as it’s not a mere death but a life given up for a life )

my LiFe In a n0veL

...as written by rEaL Authors

It's funny how the present happenings in my life relate to the novels I currently read...

(Sometime between Oct.-Dec. ‘05)
“She had spent her entire life being what everyone wanted her to be. The perfect daughter, the budding artist, the best friend, the first love. She had been so busy meeting everyone’s expectations, in fact that it had taken her years to remember exactly why it was all one big force.”

The Pact
Jodi Picoult

OK…maybe I’m not really a perfect daughter, a budding artist, a best friend nor a first love. But I’m trying to be. I’ve always wanted to make everyone happy that sometimes I neglect to see the things that put me down. Just like her, expectations have exerted such a great pressure for me that when the thought of putting an end to my life came into my head, I couldn’t say exactly why I was feeling that way…
Everyone has been so good. God has blessed me. My parents have nurtured me. My friends have always been there for me. And yet, these people might think they know me…but they don’t.
And thoughts upon thoughts occurred to me…
The only difference that distinguished me from Emily is that she pulled that trigger and I didn’t.


(January ‘06)
“Oh, no, now Mac had looked up, and he met her gaze. For an instant, they stared at each other. Lauri seemed unable to move; she was breathing quickly, and there was so much she wanted to say—but she couldn’t, she couldn’t speak—because the important things were impossible to say…”
“Lauri hurried on down the hall, biting her lip and trying to think of anything, anything other than Mac. It hurt so much to see him with someone else. Well, what had she thought? That two dates would make Lauri his girlfriend, gain his loyalty forever? Just because she had hoped their relationship would grow…And now it was over before they’d even had a chance to find out if they could care about each other, and Mac had already found someone new…”
“Maybe Karen was right, and she was never going to have a real boyfriend, a normal relationship. The thought weighed her down….”

“Jamey was hurting, would keep on being hurt if Lauri didn’t take action. That was more important than her own troubles, her own concerns, even more important than Mac and her regrets about what might have been.”

“She trudged to the high school and discovered she was ten minutes late to her first class. When the next hour brought her geometry test, she stared blankly at the test sheet, trying to make the words and diagrams make sense. But her brain seemed somewhere else—she had the sense she was moving in slow motion—and it took great efforts just to lift her pencil. When the period ended, she made little progress, and she turned in the test with the page only half-filled.”

LIFE AT SIXTEEN Silent Tears
Cheryl Zach

Everything seemed the same except the way the story began. Lauri’s story started with divorce, a possibility of losing their house and a probability of losing her education on that school, a not-so-happy situation while mine started with smiles, a loving family, a sure education, and everything nice. But as the plot moves on, so did our fate intertwined. If you’ve been reading my blog, the stares and the gaze is nothing new. We’ve done it more than just a few times. But then like Lauri’s fate, we didn’t get anywhere because it’s been over long before something bloomed….after what I’ve done. And so I reflected about my past and sometimes I can’t help but have that same notion that maybe just like Lauri I’m never gonna find myself a man who’ll be mine.
I don’t really have a little brother or a nephew who went under the same circumstance as Jamey(child abuse). But around the time when I was thinking about these things, a kid knocked on our door. He was that someone who has been deprived of the right amount of care and guidance before. He looked so frail back then that we can’t help but be there for him whenever he needs our care. But now, he looked taller, more chubby, and much more handsome. But when I talked to him, it was then that I realized how much one can learn from a kid as young as him. Indeed, his world is still full of toys, video games, candies and small surprises but his world also brought that same sadness Jamey might have felt. No, there were no wounds or bruises. But inside his heart and his mind, who knows what we could find? It seemed to me that his world is still insufficient of love that he still carried with him that fear when he’s all alone.
Truly, this is a realization for me…that indeed, his problems are much more heavy than the weight my weak heart carries.
Not much further explanations are needed on that last part (especially for classmates in MODULE 3) as they all know I’m actually 30-45 minutes late for class. And just to restate things… I stared blankly at the test sheet, trying to make the words and diagrams make sense. But my brain seemed somewhere else. As to where it was during that moment? I just can’t remember where…


(OJT time)
"Yang, which was the spoken word for ‘sun’ also meant male energy. Action and Aggression. The opposite of yin, the symbol for female passivity."
"She shook her head. 'If it's such a simple thing, get someone else to do it.' Then she thought of the cute little boys, who now had no mother. What was wrong with her? Not long ago she would have schemed to get on a homicide like this. She'd always been driven to be the one who nailed the killer. Now she was identifying with the babysitter who had knives in her knapsack. She was worrying about Sergeant Gelo's dress code, and she was thinking of her honeymoon. Not good. Skinny Dragon Mother used to say she had too much yang for a girl. She'd never find a man to marry her. Now she was married and had softened up, and sometimes she wondered if she had enough yang left to be a cop."

A Clean Kill
Leslie Glass

I am not a cop (though I also wish to work on criminal cases) and I definitely am not married! But everything else seemed to fall into place. Like Officer Woo Sanchez, I also had too much yang back then. Up until now, I believe I still have some. But everyone's noticed it already except me. I have indeed softened up. And it took a lot of interrogative statements as to who's responsible for this to make me realize that I'm the last person to sense this change in me. From the girl who acted like a guy, I started to unleash my feminine side. Was it on purpose? I believe not...but I don't know why my actions and perceptions were altered all of a sudden. And I don't know if I still have enough yang to get me by...

(March ‘06)
“……Terrified, exhausted by her fate, Visitacion recognized in those eyes the symptoms of the sickness whose threat has obliged her and her brother to exile themselves forever from an age-old kingdom where they had been prince and princess. It was the Insomnia plague.”
“They had indeed contracted the illness of insomnia. Ursula, who had learned from her mother the medicinal value of plants, prepared and made them all drink a brew of monkshood, but they could not get to sleep and spent the whole day dreaming on their feet.”

"These are not the times to go around thinking about weddings"

One hundred years of Solitude
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

As to what that brew of monkshood is, I really have no idea. I also haven’t tried any medicine at all to heal this plague (actually, answers.com says it’s not a disease) But I have tried those suggestions of warm milk, no naps, scheduled bedtime and rise time, daily exercises, etc. but none of it worked. Exhausting myself for one whole day won’t even keep my eye closed for a minute. But around the last quarter of last year, I found a healer. Just thinking about that person can easily make me sleep. But now that I thought of letting my healer go (and in some way have actually been successful in implementing it), the plague went back. And I know, that like Ursula and her whole ancestry, I won’t be healed by any medicinal herb either.

Col. Aureliano Buendia mentioned that last statement because there was war during that time. For him, nothing is more important than the war they're fighting for. In my case, well...there is no war. But it still applies...as this is not the time to be thinking about issues of the heart but the time to be thinking about passing my quizzes and comprehensive exams, about our thesis, about our upcoming board exam!!! …and much more important things. Sadly, I don’t have that same amount of will that the colonel has.

iNs0MniA

I lie awake in my bed
Wishing to dream
Wishing to go to a far-away land
But reality entraps me
And it's so hard to sleep
Until the day 'you' came
And saved me from my misery
And so I thought I was healed
But now that I've let you go
I don't know what to do
I close my eyes
Wishing to rest
But after a while I toss and turn
And realization sets in
Insomnia strikes once again

Simpleng Ligaya

Kanina may dalwang batang nanghingi ng piso sa drayber ng dyip na aking sinakyan. Mabait naman si Manong at binagyan sila ng dalawang piso para kako tig-isa sila. Naalala ko tuloy ang nakalipas na mga araw kung saan ang aking(ating) mundo ay napupuno ng mga simpleng ligaya

Kay sarap tuloy balikan ang nakaraan kung saan...
...ang isang piso ay makapagdudulot na ng saya
...ang isang pirasong kendi ay makapagbibigay na ng ngiti sa ating mga labi
...ang bawat lungkot ay nililipad na ng hangin sa ating pagduyan
...ang simpleng manyika ay magpapatigil na ng luha
...ang puso'y puno ng pagtibok sa tuwa sa pagsakay sa see-saw
...ang bawat away ay kay daling maresolba
...ang mga gulo ay naayos ng simpleng palo

Ito ang mga panahong ang problema'y kay liit at napakadaling gawan ng paraan. Minsan nga lang ay mahirap maintindihan na kung kailan pa tayo tumanda ay tsaka pa natin iniyakan ang mga problemang higit na mas maliit pa sa mga batang awayan.

to my-dearly-beloved

I sleep before you even go home
You wake up even before I do
My mind's racing
Thinking about you
Will we ever be?
Not now I know
Neither tomorrow
But someday
Our paths may cross once again
As it once did...
and so...'til then!

Voicing Out

On Zanjoe's statement:
"Pag na-iilang ka kasi may something"
-Yeah, that's what I thought before...
and I built my life around the fact that where there's comfort there can't be any attraction and that when someone gets agitated when with you, something's up!
But now I've learned that this is one big misconception
One can get tensed when with you even if there's no attraction
Or you can be in comfort with each other even if there's an attraction

On What People See and What People Think
Our understanding of things depend on our own interpretation
It depends on how we perceive what we see
So..
If people would believe something that is not true to be true
I can do nothing about it
It's their own eyes, own perception, own mind
Nonetheless, it would be good to remind ourselves
That not all of our perceptions are true

I doubt that people would stop this tease-me-with-the-person-next-to-me when I already work...
I just wish that by then I could find a man whom I can proudly say "He's the one!" so they can cease this senseless amusement

But until then I don't want to be a hindrance to their happiness
So...Go ahead and fool youselves
As I fool myself on a different angle

On my FOCUS
After giving back that access card to the HR of SGV, I thought to myself,
"Hey, I want to earn that back..."
But how come whenever I've decided to keep my focus on my studies, there will be someone to distract me?
It can either be someone I laid my eyes on or someone anonymous who's number or name would just pop up on a screen...

On OJT series BlogPosts
OJT Part_V subtitled DISRUPTIVE SENSATIONS should have been posted days ago
It is a simple literature revealing the magnetic forceS i've felt while in there
But then I think twice about publishing it here
Coz I think it's just too much of a revelation of how weak this heart of mine is
And of the cRaZy things that goes inside my head

On my Sense Of Location
If I was having some difficulty with my Sense of Time back then(actually up until now),
I'm having much more difficulty right now as I have a hard trying to locate myself
Each day as I travel on the road...
it seemed that my body goes to 2401 Taft while my mind goes to 6760 Ayala

Note for any reader: Take it easy on the interpretations as you might be basing it on an imperfect information...üüü

OJT Part_IV

These are the things that won't appear in my reaction paper...

*Doing nothing ain't really exhausting especially when you have a cute guy by your side...instead na "tumunganga at tumulala" we can actually try "tumingin, tumanaw at tumititig nang tumitig hanggang siya'y matunaw" *

*I have been a newly graduate CPA for a day or two*

*I became a comedy writer---the type of writer I never thought I could be ü*

*A realization--OJT is not only a training ground, it also serves as a means of supporting our decision whether to apply in an auditing firm or not:
-Piles of papers--take note, things seemed in chaos even though we know most of them are OCs
-Stories of aging
-Here and there varied statements but all pointing to one direction--resignation---ok maybe it was a joke but jokes are half-meant and in this case I think they mean it...ü
-A/SA/AD/SD/P--whatever you position is, you're not a regular employee as you work from 8am to SAWA
-It all takes time and effort--you work hard, you stay up late, you exhaust your brain but you get little pay and promotion is still years away*

*People's moods change---that's normal...much more normal for this kind of firm*

*I'm still being haunted by my mystery(see OJT Part_I)*

*Marketing is for beautiful people...yeah right...
Accounting/Auditing is for beautiful and bright people
...nope, it's not a rationalization, dami kaya pretty ladies and handsome guys(well at least more than 1)*

*One thing I really learned is the streets and sideways of Makati
--with the tall buildings and same shops located at every corner, I may still get lost I know I'm not that good at directions but going to Makati alone makes me feel proud(ok, call me shallow if you want)

*This three-week (actually it's supposed to be four, if not only for the overtime...which I now wish I hadn't take) experience gave me some memories to treasure...
---the friendships made
---the acquaintances w/ various employees of the client company
---that one 'special' ride on a morning I thought I'm really late
---that one-liner on that last day that still occupies my head...oh yeah i just thought of it now, it's not really one...there's two!!

OJT Part_III

It has been three weeks since I last took a jeepney ride to my alma mater. In these three weeks, my life was changed. During this period, I was able to take a shot at the life I am 'supposed' to live in a few years' time. I was even called by mom a "makati girl" and I feel proud about it.
I just love...
Wearing much more formal attires compared to the t-shirts and jeans I wear at school
Taking a ride on an aircon vehicle--and I love being able to try various ones from Escapade to Urvan to FX
The experience of venturing out on my own as I try different unloading points and different ways of going home
Going home without worrying about anything - no more studies
Being able to mingle with different people
Wearing make-up (I just don't understand why it's still such a big deal for my classmates...)
Having much control of your time

But then, having these experiences didn't totally change my being as I still am that simple down-to-earth person who misses certain things that are not of the 'makati/classy' type

Today, as I ventured through the buses, jeepneys, and honking horns of cars, I thought...
hey, I also missed...
The thick dark smoke belched from vehicles of various types
The dust that fills my pores on my way
The pollution that suffocate me and account for my shortness of breath problem
The blinding light of sunshine that hits my face as I walk in the streets
The heat of the sun on my back while I'm inside the jeep
The air that blows my hair and make it frizzy
The fast-paced walk on my rubbershoes as I hurry and catch up on the last minute
The congested LRT in the mornings
The payment of student fare
The smell of the wet market as we pass by

I guess it would be a real crisis for me once more...
as even early this point I'm already having a dilemma of wanting to go back to school and wanting to go back to SGV...but here I am, at home, just thinking, wondering, and then again dreaming

OJT Part_II

Call me CrazY, Call me wEird...
because that's how you'll see me...

When OJT started, every morning seemed a burden as I would have to wake up early each day fearing any consequences for being late in the office. I was not used to moving around that I had to 'carry my feet' when walking. I'm afraid to lay down my head, afraid to talk out loud, afraid to make any move that could distract these serious number-freaks people around me. I thought at first that I'm probably gonna have a hard time working in this auditing firm as I can't stay seriously glued to a computer screen for such a long time. Add to that all the stories of 'aging' and 'no-sleep' and the here and there 'I wanna resign'.

But things change...and I can't tell for what reason but my views have changed as well.I met them, we had some conversation, they tell me more about the world of reality and I relate to them the experiences of a modular student. I walk around hearing the sound of footsteps that my heels create. We exchanged jokes. We wrote the made-up stories that are somewhat based on reality. I do various tasks for various people. I visited other floors. I read pocketbooks as if no one's watching. I photocopy for personal use(forgive me SGV,it's actually partly SGV business anyway). I acted like I was one of them...in a way.

And after all these changes in just three weeks time, I still thought I could easily go away from this firm without any regrets, as if it's not even a part of the listed firms I wish to apply for. But I was wrong. 'round my last week stay, I'm still as excited as before in having my 4 day extra vaccation. But on my last day, I don't know for what reason, but something really enveloped me...something so heavy and dark it almost made me suffocate. I don't know how to call it, I don't know what term to use to refer to it....but the simplest thing that could depict this feeling is SADNESS. It may be an element of missing those people or the experiences or not having to study overnight but all of a sudden it seemed that I would now be willing to sacrifice 4 more hours of sleep, a "life", and youth---that which I really fear losing. But for what exact reason, I can't tell...but surely it's not the person I'm referring to in my previous post. I'm not even sure if it indeed is a person...but there it is...PLAIN AND SIMPLE SADNESS

Call me CrazY, Call me wEird...
because I am...

OJT Part_I

When the days of ACMOD3E was beginning to end, anxiety filled my bones. No, it's not because of the then-upcoming comprehensive exam but because of the approaching trial ahead, a trial of the skills we've learned from books, a trial of application, a trial of hands-on learning. Back when I was still in highschool I would have loved the thought of going to an office and put what I have learned into practice. But now, this on-the-job training does not in any way excite me. The anxiety I've felt can better be termed as nervousness...tension...stress. There was a fear that I will not be able to do what I have been tasked to.

But more than that, there was a feeling of longing. There was this regret that I was not able to treasure the chance of looking at my heaven and would have to bear a month of yearning for my dear someone once more. But then looking at it on the brighter side, I thought....this may actually be a way to finally forget you. With at least 5 people that could diverge my thoughts away from 'you', I could have easily done it.

But then it seemed like there's a powerful force that keeps me away from succesfully pushing through this seemingly simple but really difficult endeavor.

-There are at least 3 places where this certain hangout place/shop is situated. Three places far away from each other yet three places I pass by each day. One is that which I pass by each morning on my way to the office, one so near I am always in reach, and the last could be seen on my way home as I walk towards the MRT. What's with this shop anyway? 'YOUR' NAME...

-As I was vouching at one of the clients, I was surprised! I look at the PN#s, amounts, maturity dates, and of course the NAMES...And out of the billions of surnames that could have been included on the documents that were to be vouched, your Surname appeared. Such an unfamilliar one but there it was....

-And above all these was the reason I actually fell for 'you'...THY FACE, THY MOVES, THY SMILE...And then who would have thought I'd find someone who looks just like 'you' in the office where I work...same market circle, same floor. OK...maybe an older version of 'you'...And it seemed like I'm really being hindered from forgetting 'you' as I even had an encounter with this person.
*'You' both have that same body that make me fall
*'You' both smile the same way too
*And 'your' seats are even situated in the same direction...
...and just like 'you', this person also holds my stare as I look into those eyes...
But I know I can't gaze for too long for i fear that I would once again fall, just as I have for you..

Time has passed and we became so close that sometimes it feels like we're more than friends...We sat side by side. Full of emotions, we couldn't help ourselves from giving in. We faced each other and we kissed. It was a long sweet kiss...but after a while I moved back.

K: What's wrong?
I: (jokes) You're not such a good kisser...
K: Yeah right...(looks away)
I: (serious now) Alam naman nating hindi tama
K: (holds my chin as if to kiss me again while looking deep into my eyes) Sino bang nakakaalam kung ano ang tama o
mali?
(silence)
I: May masasaktan tayo...sa paningin ng mga tao hindi ito tama
K: Wala akong pakialam sa kanila! If we really love each other, we can stay together..ano pa ang sabihin nila!
I: (looks away)
K: (hoping to cheer me up)Ok yun di ba..you and me against the world..hahaha...
(silence still)
K: Alam mo minsan iniisip ko nga eh..hind mo siguro talaga ako mahal
I: Mahal kita...
K:Eh bakit parang mas importante pa sa 'yo ang sasabihin ng mga tao kaysa sa nararamdaman ko!!
I: Of course not! Ikaw nga ang iniisip ko...ayaw kong masaktan ka sa piling ko...ayaw ko lumuha ka dahil sa akin..
K: Bakit? Sa mga gingawa mo ba, palagay mo hindi ako nasasaktan? Hinayaan mong mahulog ang damdamin ko sa 'yo tapos wala lang..kahit pa alam nating mahal natin ang isa't-isa, ayaw mo pa rin maging tayo!
I: I'm sorry...hindi ko gustong saktan ka! I'm sorry pumasok ako sa buhay mo at ginulo ko ito...
K: Pero nandito ka na...mahal na kita...
(silence)
K: Alam mo siguro ikaw ang takot masaktan! That's why you've been single all your life...ayaw mo ng commitments 'coz
hindi ka pa rin handang ibigay ang sarili mo dahil takot kang balang araw masasaktan ka...
(more silence)
I: Siguro nga...(stands up and leaves, tears in my eyes)

I walked to a bar and got drunk, thinking...
"Kung alam mo lang how much it hurts me.......
Pero gusto man kitang mapasaakin, handa pa rin akong tanggapin na sa kanya ka na,
Pangarap ko man ang makasama ka habambuhay, alam ko namang hindi mangyayari yun dahil ayaw ko ring ipagkait sa iyo ang isang masayang buhay,
At gaano pa man kita kamahal...higit pa rin ang pagmamahal niya dahil ito'y napatunyan na niya...ako hindi pa
Kaya handa akong magparaya at ihabilin ka na lamang sa kanya
Mahal kita kaya wala akong balak na sirain ang isang magandang kinabukasang nakalaan na sa inyo

A story created inside my head

As if in response to my previous post, the homily today seemed directed to me
"If you overcome temptation, you become much stronger"

According to the priest, change/reform must come from us. If we don't have the will to change and simply rely on our prayers, it's worthless. We will continue to live according to the standards of this sinful world and not of His Kingdom.

How I wish it's that simple.
But it's not.
And in a world that's full of temptations, it seems impossible.
But with our will and with His help, I know changing this 'evil habits' is more than just possible.