c0nFesSi0n#2

I'M SINFUL
(ripped from a page in the demonic mind's journal)

"You look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet"

...ok so maybe we are all sinful
but we confess
some repent
while some do not
and I believe I belong to the latter
JUST READ ON...

I am a certain liquid...one that's called hydrogen oxide
Inside the chiller with a temperature so low I freeze and turn into ice
I then become solid
Outside the chiller the weather is too hot that I can't help but be at one with the air
I evaporate and ba a form of gas
When stored in a container
I feel bounded and w/o freedom

To understand:
The state of gas is a sin
The state of solidity is also a sin
To stay as a liquid is to stay clean and to uphold purity
But containers are limits that deprives a person of his freewill
The situation are of the extremes...it's either freezingly cold or steamingly hot

I should have been more elaborative...but I just can't

Simpler explanation:
I don't know what to do
I lift myself up from the cliff I just fall from
I stand up high for a second or two
But the ground I step on is so narrow it can't hold me up
And so I fall again on the other side
And the cycle repeats....repeats...repeats

Bagay, Tao at Diyos

Kung ating iisipin..
Mas masarap magmahal ng isang bagay
Gaano pa man ito kamahal
Konting tiyaga, konting sikap at siguradong makakamtan mo na
Kapag nasa kamay mo na, ito ay talagang iyo na
Maliban na lamang kung ikaw mismo ang nagbigay sa iba
Kung naman may nangyari at ito'y nawala sa iyong pagmamay-ari nang hindi mo kagustuhan
Malamang ay dahil din naman sa iyong kagagawan, sa iyong kasalanan
Ngunit kapag nawala, madali itong palitan
Konting sipag at may bago na itong kapalit

Eh ang tao..
Kahit sumuot ka pa sa butas ng karayom
Kung ayaw sa 'yo, ayaw sa 'yo
Kahit lahat pa gawin mo, kahit lahat na ay ibigay mo
Kung hindi talaga kayo para sa isa't isa, hindi kayo
Minsan naman nasasakamay mo na at akala mo'y talagang iyo na
Pagkaraan ng sandaling panahon, wala ka man gawing mali
Pilitin mo man alagaan ang inyong relasyon
Pwede ka pa ring iwanan, pwede pa rin itong mawala sa iyong mga kamay
At maraming pagluha at mahabang panahon ang papalipasin
Bago ito mapalitan
Minsan pa nga'y tila wala nang makapapalit pa

Pero ang Diyos,
Ni hindi natin kailangang pagdaanan ang anumang hirap
Para makamit ang pagmamahal niya
At Siya, kahit pa hayaan natin ang ating relasyon
Nariyan at hindi aalis
Lagi lang naghihintay sa ating pagbalik, sa ating muling pagtawag sa Kanya
Hindi rin nawawala, hindi umaalis, hindi nang-iiwan

...

You’re so stylish
So small but can take anyone’s attention
You even take my breath away
They say you’re not that good as compared to others
But who cares?
You’re just so damn irresistible


I LOVE YOU…

...my dear ForTwo

Cradle of Insanity

I was just pondering about certain things
Things that made sense and things that don’t
Things that make the world go round
And things that don’t even matter
Sometimes I think I think too much
Though this thinking doesn’t make me less ignorant
At first I thought it makes me relaxed
But then at a later time my head started spinning
Thoughts upon thoughts kept jumbling themselves
Sometimes at night
I can hardly sleep
Thinking even when I don’t want to think
Images
Visions
Scenes I’ve never seen
Circling and Spinning
Round and round
Until I’ve got no control
Until I’m not myself anymore

viRal inFection

"Now im almost over you
ive almost shook these blues
so when you come back around
after painting the town,
you'll see im almost over you"


How I wished things would be as easy as the way that song goes.
I really thought I'm over you but now I came to the fact that there are still a few leaps left for me to take before I can finally say that I'm totally over you.

Maybe now I can go through my day without you roaming through my mind.
Maybe now the space in my heart that you once occupied have diminished.
Maybe now I can get by each day without the million tears in my eyes.

But a lot of things push me to just face it...

Whenever we pass by the baywalk (which we just did, that's why I'm writing this), I can't help but dream of you.
Whenever I see a couple kiss (especially in the movies), I still think of you.
Beautiful places like Boracay and Tagaytay still remind me of you.

Now I realize...
I'm almost over you
just almost,
just almost.

0.0

Two round circles

With a point in the middle

Written on a piece of paper

With a bright red marker

A simple number

Signifying one's failure

Does it really matter?

I've always believed that grades are just numbers and that it's not enough of a measure of one's abilities. Plus, there are a lot of factors that would affect this seemingly small but considerable outcome. Along the processing stage, various inputs are entered, thus this number is not the output of one's effort and skill alone. Professors, environment, and schedule are just some of the factors that must be considered. Thus, grades must not serve as the only piece of report from which to base one's evaluation.

But then, to have those two big circles appear in your transcript of records is so devastating.

Back then (and maybe up until now), I actually have this thirst for failing. Sounds stupid huh?! But it's true! Well, maybe not as low as a zero point zero! But still you may ask "why?"
I wanted to fail so I could prove to myself that I have my own weaknesses
I wanted to experience what those who get a red mark in their report cards go through so as to show to myself that I am not invincible
I've always felt confident that I can make it through without any effort as I pass subject after subject without much studying
And I know that a simple grade of 75 (or make it 82 for accounting) would hit me right in the face and wake me up from this make-believe

But a "spiderman" passing mark was what I was asking for...I don't expect to get such a slap on my face!!!....

Will I have one soon?
I don't know...But if it's His will, then be it.

And may it serve as a lesson for me...
I am a mortal...
An ordinary student
Someone who gets average grades
But is not free from the possibility of failures

Sense of Time

I actually thought of this while watching Hua Mulan last December(when no amount of entertainment could satisfy my longing for that person)

For someone who looks forward to something, time seems so slow
For someone who neglects to cherish the present, time flies so fast
But for someone who simply enjoys each moment, time slips just the way it must.

In the most usual scenerio (where I assume everyone can relate),
For a student who hates a particular class,
yet being responsible doesn't cut classes but still endures an hour or so of ultimately boring lecture or tension for recitation,
The clock ticks every quarter and a minute seems like an hour

For the pupil who merely goes through his classes because he must,
crams on exams because he must pass,
crams more on project and paper deadlines because it might be his one last hope,
but never really learns or retains a thing
A term is just a week
Add to that the student who enjoys looking at his crush,
and contents himself to love,
but doesn't really make any move to be loved
For him, 42 hours is just like a second

And yet for a learner who enjoys each moment in his class,
takes time to learn,
takes time to reflect,
takes time to get to know his classmates,
makes friends and meets potentials
An hour is an hour
A minute a minute
A second a second

So...
if this thought came upon me late last year, why would I need to write it down here just now?
...
...
...


Because it hit me once again...

Earlier this term, I wanted everything to move faster. I wanted to get it done with the modular, to move on to the term when I can push my luck to be a DL once again, to meet new people, to see another someone...and to forget...

But yesterday, February 9, I wanted to hold back the time. I wanted to return the hands of time to the second week of January and relive each day of my life with hope, with enthusiasm and diligence, with dedication to my studies, with determination and perseverance.

---WHAT HIT ME?---
My grades
My sanity over my insanity(the psychosomatic thing in particular)
And the only reason...the reason for all my other reasons! ü

But then...

In less than a week, we are about to move on to a different field as we try our abilities in to the real thing. I don't know what lies ahead. I ain't sure if I can't make it. I can't say exactly how will my performance go...

But there's one thing I know... there will be this longing once again for March 15 to come, for me to live each day of that one last month, that one last time the space between 'us' are still close, that one last moment when the boundaries are still surpassable...

I know it's totally ironic with my realizations...
I know it's wrong 'coz I won't be on the right track of time...
I know it won't do any good as it would only jeopardize my on-time graduation...

The irony of life...

But then again,
with the situation these days, is anyone really on track?

Drunk..

A bottle of Vodka
A case of Beer
Tears are gone
Darkness near
Away from the world now
Away from this world

A quote:
"Never wait for love to come to you, for you will be waiting a lifetime"

It's the month of hearts!!!
But just like those past years, I know there wouldn't be any candle-light dinner or flowers or chocolates for me.

The quote above was sent to me by Globe. The first time it was sent, I accidentally erased it. But then, it was sent for a second, third and even a fourth time, day after day.
Was that merely a failure of their system?
Or was that message being directed to me by Someone whose power is beyond our technology?

We've always heard the line that goes "Don't look for love, let love find you". But what if this "love" never really finds us? In a world where billions of people exist, isn't it a mere fantasy to think that there really exist this someone who has been set for us? Don't we really have to act and look for that someone?

Valentines Day is fast approaching and for us SINGLES, this may mean another lonesome day. Alright, we have our families and friends but having someone to snuggle and kiss is a totally different thing. Come on...admit it! Once in a while we'll have to stop rationalizing, doing those sour graping and sweet lemoning and thinking that our life is much happier than those who has their special someone.

We have freedom.
We can go anywhere we want withour asking permission from someone.
We can befriend anyone we like.
We're happy.
All these are right! And I totally agree.
I'm happy too!
But hasn't the thought of having a special someone by your side ever come into your mind?
Weren't there any lonely nights?
Weren't there those rainy cold days when you wished you have someone to hug you tight?

Being a single has its ups....and downs...especially on occasions like this.

But shall we give in?
Do we really need to take a step further and begin searching for love?
Or shall we still wait for the signs that may not exist?

Hmm...something to think about.

My answer is...
It's all up to you!
It's your game, it's your move!

But for me...I still believe that God is indeed preparing both me and that other person for each other(inspired by JP's blog). We are still being molded. We are still being perfected. So that when the time comes, we'll be the best there is in each other's eyes.

Naisip ko lang...
Alin ang mas masakit:
Ang sabihin niyang hindi ka niya mahal dahil hindi naman talaga
Ang sabihin niyang di ka niya gusto gayung mahal na mahal ka niya ngunit sadyang maraming hadlang sa inyong pag-iibigan
O ang sabihin niyang mahal na mahal ka niya gayung hindi naman talaga

Marami sa atin ang nakakaranas ng unang sitwasyon. At sa pangyayaring iyon, iniisip nating katapusan na ng mundo. Para sa atin, wala nang halaga ang mabuhay pa. Totoo nga namang napakasakit.

Ngunit para sa akin, ang ikalawa ay higit na masakit. Mahal niyo naman ang isa't isa ngunit hindi pa rin pwedeng maging kayo dahil bawal, dahil hindi tama, at dahil maaaring may ibang taong masasagasaan at may ibang pusong masasaktan.

Subalit ang huling sitwasyon ang pinakamasakit.
Pinaasa ka.
Binuo sa iyo ang akalang mahal ka niyang talaga.
Pina-ikot niya ang mundo mo sa kanya.
Ngunit matapos ang lahat nang iyon, malalaman mo na lamang na lahat pala ng iyon ay pawang kalokohan...isang malaking kasinungalingan.

BENCH

Sometimes it’s empty
Once I’ve seen you there
The next time you were with someone else
But then day-by-day I search and wait
Yet you can be seen nowhere

It’s lifeless once again