the spiderman philosophy

Sometimes we have to be strong
not because we want to be regarded as brave
not due to our concern for other people's perception of us
But because of how certain people get the strength they need from us.

The Night Owl

As young as 5 years old, I can remember hanging out with my brother and friends late at night outside our house, trying to spot some bats flying around.

Ever since I was a kid, a weakness teachers see in me is punctuality. With the flag ceremony at 7:30, the earliest time I could arrive at school 'round grade one is 8:00am...and that could go as late as 9+.

As I grew up, I learned that our bad personalities can actually be changed and so I put more effort and tried to be more prompt.
However, the thought that we are different individuals and such personality as being nocturnal is actually a part of our identity has hindered me from changing totally.

When I entered college, I came to realize that changing one's personality can actually be for one's own good most especially when we go to the field of work wherein we ourselves have to adapt to a new environment. And so I started to change. It was still hard especially with that morning class OBLICON (a law subject!) held at 7:00. But then I knew I had to change. Come the following terms, I have somehow adapted to this and I actually became more awake in the morning. Especially...last term.

But NOW.... now that i'm in a modular term...a term when our mind is supposed to be ùber focused on that course...now when every part of us had to be awake...my mind seemed to be sleeping and drifting to the world of dreams. My mind only wakes up whenever there's a joke, a trivia or a chika...

Why now? Why be back at being a night owl just when I need to be otherwise?
Is it because I really lack sleep due to reading tons and tons of photocopied readings?
Is it because my mind have been extremely exhausted from the memorizing and comprehending?
Or Could it be because I lost the very reason that made me want to wake up early each morning back then?

Dec. 14

Akala ko'y umalis ka na
Inisip na ang pagkakataon ko'y muling lumipas na
Ngunit sa aking pagdungaw
Mukha mo ang natanaw

(no symbolism attached ü)

wRong m0ve

How stupid I'd have to look at his profile again
Only to hurt myself some more
oh well...
With the pain comes the healing!

Survivin'

Last week I was
Physically sick
Mentally sick
Emotionally sick
And spiritually weak

And so I was thinking
"Is there still hope for me?"
"Will anybody be able to help me?"

And now...
The wounds of my heart have started to heal

And I'm filled with the hope that sometime soon
My sanity will come back
And I would regain the physical strength that I need

i AM free

I have been released from the chains that once confined me.

I have come out of the darkness that recently enveloped me.

I am once again FREE.

IF ONLY...(enough of this)

(written last Sunday,Jan.15)

My horoscope last Sunday,January 15 said:
Stop imagining how things would be 'if only'. Pay attention to the here and now! That's where the real rewards are. Train your awareness to focus on the present, and you'll see just how good your life is.

I don't really believe in horoscopes. But what it said last Sunday is worth noting. It's a really really good advice I must learn to follow.

I should stop myself from daydeaming,
should focus myself on studying.
I must learn to set my feelings free,
must cease this foolish attraction for thee.

I have to cease thinking..
If only I was given the chance
If only you were mine
If only you were free
If only I was.....

I have to look at what's around..
The present not the past
What's now and not what's to be

These past few days, my mind's always somewhere else. I couldn't focus on our lecture and I couldn't even seem to understand the words in our book. Oh yeah, it's a fact that's it's really a little bit of technical. But setting that fact aside, it still seems Greek to me. My mind's travelling at the outer space and...searching for something it couldn't find....grabbing that something it couldn't even hold.

The night before this horoscope was sent, I cried a million tears, thinking...
If only I didn't meet you
Though I've said once that I would never regret having know a wonderful person who can never be mine...right now, I'm thinking what a very happy life I could have had if I had not known that someone. Yeah, I'm breaking my word...but I can't help it anymore because the hurt just seem to break my heart and my whole life into pieces.
If only God gave me a different life
I've come through this thought time and time again. I thought I'm already healed but then someone would come and there goes that thought once more. I couldn't blame Him anyway...in fact, I should be grateful for all the blessings He's showered my life with. But then again I can't help but think of what might have been if I'm not me and if I'm the kind of person that I'd want to be...
If only I was the one...
Of course, who can refrain oneself from thinking of the things that would have happerned if only we were with that person we like.

But hey!
I'm pretty blessed with a wonderful family,
caring and loving friends,
enough money to get me by,
sufficient talent to surprise my audience,
right amount of mind and heart to help and share

It's just too bad I always get occupied by the things that are non-existent in reality. I'm always stuck to that pit of dreaming and how unfortunate that these are the things that I know can never be reached. I always neglect the present, disregarding even the people who are always around me.

So my advice....
Sieze the day! Live now!
Forget about what might have been.
Disregard thoughts that says "if only"
Who knows you(I) might be gone tomorrow!

Who cares if I can't tell that person "I'll love you forever"
There's no forever anyway...

The Unrequitted Love(FINAL Letter)

Sorry......and Thanks!


Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like reaching for a star.
You know you'll never reach it but you just have to keep on tryin'
Because someday...who knows?
It might fall..."


I know you're too hard to reach.....you may never fall at all....and if you do, it'll be a million miles away from me, to a distant part of the world where someone else is already waiting for you

To be a friend
To make you smile
To show that someone cares
Was all I really wanted

Against the boundaries and against all limitations, I did what I shouldn't have done. I pulled the string so that our distance would be shorter. I crossed the line for us to get closer. I know this is something that could never be. I know it's even against the society. To destroy something that has been cared for for almost a year is something I'd always feel guilty.

So I wanna say SORRY...
Sorry for all the things I've done
Sorry for the irritation and disturbance
Sorry for bothering thee
Sorry for rousing your curiousity

A few clicks and you have read my message.
A few typing of the keys and you have sent me one too.
I never thought you'd even care, I didn't think you may ever dare

And so THANKS...
Thanks for giving me some of your time
Thanks for reading those words that rhyme.
Thanks for bearing the craziness I'm in
And also thanks for not luring me into sin

It stopped. It's over! I know you might be mad at me. I know I've caused you some unitended irritation. And what I did to make us closer has actually made us part much farther. I don't even see you anymore. But still that doesn't make forgetting you any less harder. I don't know if the anonimity still keeps you thinking. But still thoughts of you still got me daydreaming.

Someday, I hope, I'll forget you too...or at least my feelings for you.

To type those few words
To read each message I've sent
To send those not-so-friendly messages
Is enough......even too much.

So thanks a lot!

Time and time I still cry. Day by day I still wait. But I know that what I want will never really happen. Those are just dreams; dreams far far apart from reality; a dream that was cast out there in the galaxy hoping to reach its other end somehow....though I know it can't.

I know you're just too hard to reach. In fact, you're probably one of those stars that may never fall at all.... And if you do , it'll be a million miles away from me... To a distant part of the world where someone else is already waiting for you. And so I really have to give up.

And in ending this, a zillion thanks.
For at a certain point in my life, you've made me happy.
As shallow as it can be, a very simple reply has made a smile appear in me.

Thanks for letting a star shine so bright in four of my darkest nights.

Another Day

It's been a while since I've last heard the line from a prayer that says "We thank You Lord for this day...." And so when I heard our professor mention that line on our last day under his mentoring, a tear rolled down my cheek and sent me thinking...

Indeed, waking up to another morning is a real blessing from God. Sometimes we just seem to neglect it. And sometimes we don't even want to face this new day, most especially when a lot of problems seem to come our way. There are even times when I myself wanted to sleep and forever live in that world of darkness and peace. But truly, we must always thank God for another day...

Another Day
To smile
To frown

To have some laughter
To shed some tears

To feel the heartaches
And still to love

To feel the stress and headaches
And still to learn

To strain my eyes
And read the lines

To hear some noise
And listen to that lovely voice

To walk the miles
And journey through

Another day He's giving us to start anew,
Another day for us to move on
Another day to face new problems,
Another day to be much stronger
Another day to call on Him
And another day to live in His grace

I thank You Lord for another day...

The Conversation

(an Unresolved Conflict)


Cervello: Hey! What's up?

Corazon's face remains gloomy

Cervello: Yo! What's the problem?

Corazon: You!

Cervello: Me?

Corazon: Why can't you just help me? Everytime I fall, you just seem to watch and do nothing!

Cervello: [Processing...] I don't get what you mean!

Corazon: Why can't you instruct your messengers to deliver the message I want to convey? Why can't you ask any of them to show how I feel in any way?

Cervello: Hmm..........................because you won't like the outcome anyway.

Corazon: Why? What would be the outcome?

Cervello: Rejection? Unfortunate life? More hurting? This could even lead to an emotional dysfunction or personality disorder!

Corazon: And how do you know that these would be the outcome? Can't you be a little more positive?

Cervello: Well......I believe there's that bit of possibility but in your case, the negative results outweigh the positive ones. Thus it would be more safe not to send an order to my messengers.

Corazon: Ha! So I should even be thankful for your careful analysis of the situation?!?! Why do you care anyway?

Cervello: Because my friend, aside from the fact that we are partners...that one of us will hardly exist without the other...I have also been given the responsibility of taking control. I was entrusted with the task of guiding you, making certain that you don't rush in doing things that could endanger me, our messengers, our assistants, our friends and yourself. I am also here to shelter you away from pain. I'm only protecting you!


[SILENCE.......]


Corazon: But ain't those part of loving? Getting hurt...feeling the pain...going through the unbelievable....sacrificing all for the name of love! I believe it's better to have said what my feelings are saying and accept defeat if that's how it is. To love is to take courage! Haven't you heard..."It's better to love and get hurt than to have never loved at all"...Facing the consequnces is also a part of it! If I would have to leave everything I have just to be with that someone I love, then let it be.

Cervello: (with raised eyebrows...as if unable to comprehend) Love?

Corazon: Yes, love!

Cervello: What exactly is love?
(Corazon appears annoyed)
I'm sorry. I can't really find it anywhere in my archives (searches...) There's actually a file in here entitled "LOVE" but the data stored in it are so jumbled and in such a disorder that I can't make anything out of it.

Corazon: Love.....................is how I feel! It's the term you should have used to refer to my emotion!

Cervello: Oh!........................(thinks)...............................so how does that feeling go?
(Corazon annoyed once more)
I'm really really sorry! Maybe you could help me fill out the meaning so I can store it neatly in a new folder so that we can then refer to it without my constant searching for the word in this endless number of data

Corazon: ........................(wonders).............It's hard to explain! I can't seem to find the words...........you should know better than I do! You're used to words, phrases, memorization, and all that analytical thinking. You should be able to look for the right words that could describe it.

Cervello: Hmm...but how am I supposed to know which of those I came across is the right and truthful meaning. Whenever one of my messengers bring me the definition he was able to gather, another messenger would come to me and bring a quote or phrase that would disprove the first!

Corazon: Can't you just use your feelings?

Cervello: ...........................I'm sorry! But I was made only to think, decide and direct. I wasn't created to feel....


[SILENCE.......]


Cervello: (pats Corazon at the back) Don't worry, I'm sure another will come..

Corazon: (cuts him in mid-sentence) And another, then another, and one more another!!! When will this end? Everytime someone new comes along, it's the two of us who don't get along...

Cervello: When the right one comes...we'll get along!

Corazon: And when will that person come? Plus how do I know it's the right one?

Cervello: You'll just know...Maybe you'll just have to open yourself to my perspectives and then we'll find the one.

Corazon: Your perspectives! But that's always contradictory to mine!

Cervello: Well....I'm only after your own good. I can't just do what you like...The best that could happen is for us to meet halfway.
(Corazon's face a questioning look)
Compromise?

Corazon: And how do we compromise when we're always at the extremes? Our perspectives are too far from each other! You're always at the other end of the line!

Cervello: That's because you dwell too much on how you feel! Can't you use a little logic?

Corazon: I was created for feelings and emotions...
I'm sorry my friend but I was not blessed with that logic you're saying.

........................fRiendSteR............................

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(last upadated Feb. 7)

A puzzle...

IT'S THEE, MY MYSTERY
(Fearless Revelation)

A name inside a name
The second half less the last
Replace the other
With that letter
That comes before my last
Add to it that something
Which sounds like it's brewing

The Clown, The Criminal and The Conformist

The Clown
He wears a smile in his face
Brings laughter to our days
But behind that make-up lies
The aura that cries

The Criminal
He watches and sees,
Hides in street alleys
But back home there lives
His child of innocence and peace

The Conformist
He may look like an angel
Righteousness is what his words and actions spell
But if only thoughts could kill
If only the mind could give one the chill

----------------------Juan Pedro------------------------

Juan ang kanyang pangalan sa harap ng kamera
Pedro naman ang pagkakakilala ng mga kaibigan at kapamilya niya

Magkaibang mundo ang ginagalawan
Ngunit pareho namang puno ng kasiyahan

Ngunit paglaon ng panahon
Ang dalawa'y mahirap nang paghiwalayin
Pilit na pinagsasanib
Pilit na pinagsasama

Gustong pasukin ni Juan and mundo ni Pedro
Kaya't 'di alam ni Pedro ang gagawin nito

Paano nga ba?
Kung si Juan lang rin ang tanging paraan
Upang makamit ni Pedro ang minimithing kaligayahan


gets? hehe...

THE DAY BEFORE THE FIRST (4th letter)

Di ko alam kung sadyang mapaglaro ang tadhana...
Tingnan mo nga naman ang pagkakataon
Kung kailan pa gusto na kitang kalimutan
Kung saan pa hindi ko inaasahan
Sa oras na hindi ko iisipin
Tsaka pa tayo pagtatgpuin

I told myself to stop writing to you because you may never come across this anyway. But with what happened this day, I can't help myself but write another sequel.

It wasn't even the first day of school but then I went to our beloved university for the same reason as yours. I didn't really expect to see you today. Destiny? Nah..pure coincidence I'd say. But why all these coincidences since before? It occurs to me as if destiny was really bringing me closer and closer to you..I don't know why when we both know I can't have you. Add to these the song that was played while we were on that same place...the very song which i would have loved to sing to you if ever 'we were'. And all the next songs played on the radio while listening to it on my cellphone were those songs I've dreamed of singing to you. But the most surprising thing that's happened today was that after fixing my things, I looked to where you were sitting and to my greatest shock, you were looking right at my direction. Now that's unusual 'coz you have that special someone by your side and I was sitting way far at the back so that you'd really have to turn your head. After having that one-second-glance while you two were still walking down the aisle, I didn't think I'd have the courage to look at you anymore after all I've done. But then you were even the one looking at me (Oh kris wake up!!!) Surely you could be looking at somebody other than me. But then why did you suddenly look away when I saw you facing my direction? Wow...did that hurt me? I don't know...I can't even say exactly what my feelings were during that moment. I don't even know how to react. I was confused.

But what really confused me so is that your special someone always held on to you but you don't seem to reciprocate..Why? Maybe you just don't feel like it. I can't say..

In my last letter I said that seeing you once again is up to God 'coz He knows best. So does this mean it's best for us to still see each other? Can't tell... Maybe He was just testing me..I don't know...

Ha! Indeed, life's full of surprises. We never know...though I doubt it. After all, I believe that what you have right now is the one that's best for you..
But when something happens that says otherwise, maybe we can talk, get to know each other...and Who knows...
But I won't pray for something like that to happen. In fact I'd pray for the best of you both...
In just a few months it would be your anniversary. but I'd pray that you guys go way far beyond that...even until forever.


I just wish you are truly happy in each others arms 'coz your happiness is the only reason why I'm willing to give up and feel all the hurt...

THE LONG VACATION (a sequel to the letter Last Day)

Do you just know that you just have the power to make a person go crazy over you?
And that you have the ability to make everything more complicated by those simple things that you do?

I can't say if my interpretations are right. I don't really know what your true intentions are. But with the signs you're sending, I can't tell if you just want me to pursue and see how far I could go or if it's just a sort of revenge, doing things that you know can make me be more into you...make me long for you.

During the week that followed that last day...the day which I passed by through smiles but deep inside a crying heart, I've tried really hard to keep myself busy, not really able to regain the strength I need even just a 7-hour sleep. But then I still find time to think of you, to recall the memories I've had when you held on to my gaze. And I still find time amidst all the things I do to feel this intense longing for you...the feeling of missing you.

But the week after that week(which seemed to me a year), I have actually started to take a few big leaps to the path that leads where you are not. Oh sure, gotta admit that I still think of you each night before going to bed. I still wake up with the memory of your face in my head. But then it wasn't like before when I could just lay down all day thinking of you(oh yeah...actually US--that which can never be) And I know I really have to move on because as soon as 3rd term sets in, I have to get serious, and I must not see you anymore becauase I believe it could only ruin my (future)career, my personality, my life...and YOURS too. And to ruin your everything hurts me more than anything else.

And so after reading this quote
How do I say goodbye to someone I never had?
Why do tears fall for someone who was never mine?
Why is it that I miss someone I was never with?
Why do I love someone whose love can never be mine...

and after watching My Sassy Girl once again and Corpse Bride(would you believe an animated film can teach us something about love?) saying that loving a person truly may mean letting go of that person if that's what can make that person happy

...and after much much careful thought, I knew I had to let go. Oh no, let me correct that...I had to give up. Letting go and giving up are two different things as one quote said, and the latter suits our case 'coz
I never had you
You were never mine
I was never with You
And I do really know that your love can NEVER EVER really be mine

I may never know the answers to the posted quote but then I know I had to give up.

So what about the signals? I was misinterpreting them alright. So again, for the nth time sorry!

But then do I hate you for all these?
Should I hate our fate for making us share one class?
Must I grumble to God or to cupid for love's sake on why did I have to know you?
Nah...I guess not. For as I've said, 'you brought me to place i may never have been'

It was just 2 weeks ago or less I guess...when I said goodbye. But indeed how could I say that word when I never really had you anyway. So now I'm taking it back.

Instead I wanna say thanks!
Yeah, THANKS for
even though we have not shared moments together, you inspired me to live on with the simple smile I see on your face;
even though we haven't talked to each other you brightened my world with your laughter and your sweet voice;
and even though I haven't really felt what it's like to be in your arms, just to feel your presence so near me is enough.

And even if you don't want to forgive me and I know you may never will, I believe you have spent enough time for me...enough time for my craziness...so thanks!

A new year has started... Will there be a new life for me? I just hope so...

A new life for you? I believe so.
For after this term, you'd swerve your way to a different path,
a path which I'll pray you'll succeed in,
a path which I know might pose as a challenge,
but also the path that I know will be for your best.

But while we're still traveling in the same path, would I wish to see you somehow?
I dunno...the One Up There knows best...

<---bAlik0ng pAna--->

Sometimes I'd wish I'd meet the one meant for me

For then I won't have to fall for the wrong persons

BALIKONG PANA

Heto na naman siya't lumilibot sa paligid

Nagmamatyag, nag-aabang, naghahanap

Dalawang pusong nais niyang pagtagpuin

Dalawang taong para bang manyikang mamanipulahin

Ilang beses na rin niya akoing tinamaan

Hindi ko lang alam kung ito ba'y kanyang kasadyaan

Minsan kasi'y parang hindi tama

Kaya't ako'y duda na sa kanyang pag-asinta

Ngunit sa aking palibot

Karamiha'y mukha namang masaya

Mga mukha'y mga nangakangiti

Brasong magka-akbay at mga kamay na magkatagpi

Bakit ba kaya?

Dulot ba ng isang balikong pana?

Panang sa aki'y madalas gamitin

O panang ako'y kadalasang nadadaplisan