c0nFesSi0n #1

Ripped from the Diary of an Aching Heart – my Heart ü

"Women r lyk apples n a tree. The bst ones are at d top. Men don’t want to reach for d gud ones bcoz dey r afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, dey just get d rotten apples frm d ground dat aren’t gud but easy. So d apples on d top thnk sumthin s wrong with dem, wen n reality, dey’r amazng! Dey jst hav 2 w8 4 d ryt man 2 come along, d one hus brave enuf 2 climb d top f d tree."

Won’t it be a case of rationalization if I say that I’m one of those apples at the treetop? Might there be really something wrong with me? Because if there’s none, then I guess it would really be hard to find that one man who’s brave enough to reach up for me.

Am I too high to be reached? Or am I just too rotten that no one dared pick?
…that one man would rather starve than resort to that one last apple that’s me…

The Story of my life (a part)
All throughout my existence, I’ve seen men and boys alike who seem too eager to have a taste of this apple. But all they seemed to want is just one bite. Most of them made a move. Some took a few timid steps up that ladder. Some have tried to reach for it but only one or two were able to get hold of it. And yet for some reasons, they didn’t take a bite but instead they left the apple right where it was. Then, one day one man came, a man who seemed so hungry that his stare enticed the apple to let itself fall right into his hands. But then he just held the apple in his hands for some moment….and in that few moments, the apple seemed to him as not yet ripe, not yet ready to be eaten. And so without taking a bite, he went on with his journey.

Translation:
(They say "walang sikretong hindi nabubunyag", so listen well and read it carefully because these are the things I’m never gonna talk about to anyone in person)

Ever since I walked out of my childhood years, I got lots of stares, smiles and simple hellos that take the form of a hand wave, "hi miss!" or a line that goes by "Pwede makipagkilala?" or "Ingat ka" from different strangers. Some were successful while most were not. But among the successful ones, the steps taken still seem to me as short of courage.

One who got my phone number called me and said "I Love You" and hung up on me Well, I know he isn’t serious but why do it more than once?
One who had my cell phone number sent an anonymous "I Love You" business card. I know he’s just after companionship but why keep my number as if I were already his?
One dared ask if he can be a suitor but after my reluctant "ok lang" and giving away my number why leave me hoping for nothing?
One girl friend even sent me a breath-taking love letter but why let our friendship serve as a barrier?
A stranger even had the guts to dig up some info about me (not a stalker, he dig it up from me) but after a few answers and after shaking my head to some areas in my profile, why let me leave in my own direction and move on with his?

So those few who almost made it there seemed to have gotten scared.

And so I continued to spend my days waiting for the right man to come along. Then the day came, when one who’s not really brave (actually he’s probably the most coward of all) caught my eye. I don’t know how it happened but in that single moment when we looked into each other’s eyes, we seemed to be the only creatures in this world.

He’s so apprehensive that he can’t even get an inch near me. And he really made no move at all except to tell a friend to tell me "Regards" which I only found out after he has already gone(damn!). And yet even before then and even before he let his family know about me, there was already this special feeling…a feeling I can’t quite describe. Some people call it ‘love at first sight’ so I might as well call it that. But I AM NOT AN ADVOCATE!!! And I don’t really think it’s love but it’s something that’s probably close to that. Because in that moment when our eyes met, I knew that there was something!

I can’t call it crush or a simple admiration because my friends and even I myself think there’s nothing in him to be admired. (Oh, I’m sure there is, we just don’t know what!) But then again, it’s because of this reason, my being-still-young and that uncertainty about our future that I let go of him.

I cried when we had to part (well, not really part because we were really never together) but I don’t know why.
Maybe it’s because it’s an opportunity of loving that was lost.
Maybe because the feeling’s really something deep and though we haven’t really said more than a phrase to each other, I’ll be missing him.
Or maybe it’s because he’s the very first guy who had to come and go in such a short span of time.

But the saddest part is that…
The world knew that he liked me so
But what they didn’t know
Is that I liked him too
…not even he…

The other apples on top have already been reached…when will the right man for me come?
Will there really be one brave man who will have the will and strength to reach me from the top?
Or has he already come, but I let go of him…because I thought his bravery isn’t enough…

And what could be the reason those few got scared?
Might it be because though I’m still up by the tree, I’m already rotten?
Or still unwilling to give myself, still unwilling to be eaten?

But still thanks to all of those mentioned for you have given some bit of memory I’ll probably bring with me for the rest of my life!