TRUTH HURTS. REALITY SUCKS. THAT'S A FACT.

Today, March 15, 2008, was the day I realized the big difference between love for a friend and romantic love. I've always thought it's just about sex, but it's more than just that. And when one finally grasps the difference, then it wouldn't be hard to choose between the two when you have to let go of one.

I couldn't have cried more. My eyes terribly hurt. My tear ducts have dried. In fact, this event has aggravated my desire to end this life (now that my issues are back). After this, I thought about all those years and how people easily came and left like a bubble that gives you joy as it floats up in the sky and ends that happiness as quick as it came once it pops and disappears.

It was this week when I received the good news, and I was extremely happy and excited. It feels like 'what more could I ask for?'. But later this week, she received the bad news. And when she brought the bad news to me, how I wished I could trade my good news for her bad news. After all, mine has not yet been given the final verdict. I can't exactly compare the sadness I felt after hearing her news to the sadness she feels. Objectively looking at things, she's losing two, I'm losing just one. But subjectively looking at it, two doesn't necessarily weigh more than one.

Reality is some people win, some people lose. There are times of failure, there are times of success.
Truth is maybe God indeed opens a window where those who lost can win when He closes the door where another person has won.
Truth is maybe I'm meant to live my life this way. Maybe, given all the other good things in life, this is where the bad part comes in.

It's just so funny...when the final judge gave me the good news, she mentioned about me having been blessed, about me having higher needs as compared to others who are not yet done fulfilling their basic needs. If one has studied Maslow's hierarchy of needs, one knows what is next to the basic needs. Then why is it that she can't let me fulfill it and let my dear friend fulfill her needs as well?

**Sometimes I wish I had no emotions for my life is 80% pain and 20% joy, half of which is ecstasy when I daydream and fantasize, and the other half is happiness that lies on the shore, where the pain can easily wash it away.