8/11

It's a day of Regrets, Enlightenment, and Deeper Fulfillment

The day started with a different feeling. It was not like the many days when I couldn't get myself up. I still had the partners cough and colds together with the stiff neck from yesternight's sleep. Yet despite all these, I'm feeling much better, much normal than those days before.

Though this day should have been set aside for the much needed rest and other small obligations, I still went to my beloved school. At 13:00, the Proctor and Gamble Talk started. I hoped to be inspired by this company through the talk but the contrary happened. The talk gave me some regrets. Indeed I have wasted a part of my stay in De La Salle University, going by each day as if it was all a part of a play. Maybe my CGPA is still within their standards but what about my extra-curricular activities? After high school, one would really feel sorry for me that I didn't grab at the opportunity of being a part of the Student Council as I was asked before college even started nor did I become a part of the Lady Archers nor was I a responsible officer of any organization. I made first steps, a lot of first steps actually, but I didn't pursue, blaming everything to my course and my other sufferings. And now, look at where I'm goin...I could have made a shot at applying for this global company to earn myself and my family more or less half a million pesos during my first year but would I get that shot? Out of a hundred, only one to three would be accepted. Would I be that lucky for that? I guess not. Now I'm wondering what happened to the person whose main strength was not to quit...
But so much for regrets...

'Round the afternoon, I went over to the Metropolitan Museum with two of my friends. We had to walk because of the driver's wrong directions about going there. It was such a tiring walk coupled with the sickness that I'm still not over with. Add to that the fact that we were not really able to taste this exotic ice cream flavor! But what the hell! It's worth the caramel frap and the new learning from our intimate conversations. I didn't say much...and now, I probably wouldn't say more because of my predictions so they say. But for me, I'm just bringing them closer to reality. It's just that for me, I don't want to be a friend pushing their hopes up for something that isn't sure. It's not that I'm saying it's hopeless, it's just that there are possibilities other than the outcome that we want to achieve. And by seeing that possibility, we might avoid getting hurt too much. Indeed, "there's a danger in loving somebody too much...."

After that enlightening conversation, I had to start on my way home to arrive earlier than last night and prevent disrupting the habits of the people at home. However, things out of our hands do happen. We're almost there, nearing the point where I'm supposed to transfer to another jeepney. But something happened, something I never thought would lead to something else that would somehow alter my mood towards life.

For me, it was another moment of epiphany as I realized two things.

First is that money makes me sad.
Don't get me wrong. Money makes the world go round indeed and it occasionally gives me things that could make me happy. The difference is that it's all temporary happiness. What much joy I received over buying my first TV, buying my own cellphone, etc. etc. Money gives me the things I need. Through money, I can go with my friends on a Gimik to the mall or on outings. But those don't render much happiness. It makes me more sad as it gives me the realization that happiness can hardly be attained without the bucks. It also makes me sad because as I get what I want, I strive to achieve more and I just don't get satisfied.

But with what happened this evening, I realize that there's this kind of feeling that could overpower the kind of happiness that money can give you.

My second realization has something to do with my yearning for death.
I believe that I may die right now because I feel fulfilled. I am utterly satisfied with a lot of areas in my life. I don't think I need to achieve more, love more and be more loved. What I have accomplished is enough. But that's for me. What about others? Maybe I'm not living for myself anymore but for others.

I am really grateful for this day and for that event. Indeed, it made my heart beat faster and my knees get weak but I had this sense of satisfaction that will take time to get over with. I am truly hoping that more like this whould happen.

Starting last April(I think) up to this day I'd say
"Para akong naglalakad na patay. Walang buhay. Isang munting kaluluwang naglalakad sa ere. Walang pakiramdam."

But now
"Ako'y nabuhayan hindi lamang ng pakiramdam ngunit ng diwa at pagmamahal para sa aking kapwa."

I thank God.
I thank the driver.
And I even thank the villain of the situation, for without him, what use have I?

Maybe I am not supposed to ba a part of a really big company,
Maybe I am not supposed to say words about reality,
But maybe I am destined to do small things that make a difference for people who have been neglected

Maybe...
Maybe not...

But I am really really happy...


Sometimes we have to stand up for others because if we won't, who will?
If we would be like the ordinary passer by, what will happen to our world?