A Trip to Manaoag

(reflections last April 30, 2006)

I didn't embark on this trip for the sake of asking Our Lady of Manaoag to grant my desires. I joined the trip mainly to get away from Manila, be able to see greeneries and reflect about my life. I was actually wearing my shades for the whole ride not really for 'porma' purposes but actually to cover the tears that started to fill my eyes. I reflected on my life and thought of an answer as to why just recently I started to think about ending my life once again. Oh yes, there is this one person that once was special to me who is probably mad at me but it's not just that. It's more than just my academics. It's more than just my frustrations in life. But the problem is I can't point it out. And then suddenly I realized how much I've shortened the time I spent to talk to Him and how much time I dedicate to reflection of the gospel and the homily at church.

As we travel on, I also brought with me Tuedays with Morrie. It was such an intersting book, so they say. BUt I actually diagree with some of his philosophies. Still, I was able to relate to Mitch and espacially to Morrie.And indeed, even though I still favor The Five People You Meet in Heaven more than this one, I can't deny that it was such an inspiring story. I even felt like I read it just at the right time...just at that point in time when I badly need some inspiration.

As we entered the Church, I was surprised to see a couple being wed. I am so ignorant I didn't know the public can actually attend a mass even as two people are being joined under the name of the Lord. But there it was. A homily about marriage and about separation. Through this, another lesson hit me. I was not looking at things in a Christian way. But that is so hard nowadays. I doubt if people who look at it in that manner would even equate to 10% of the populaion. Still, I know that the changing times is such a lame reason for how we set our perspectives.

As we traveled back, I reflected more on my current situation (the one that still had to do with my tears last December)and I just knew that it was lost...forever lost. I decided that as I reach my destination(home), I am gonna start anew. I know that maybe we can still be friends but that may take a long time(depending on my pride)

I also reflected on what is happening in my life. Indeed, I can say it's more than 90% perfect. No, I don't get perfect quizzes, I don't have a family that prays together, neither do I party every weekend or play a sport every saturday. My health falters I know but I'm still standing. I have my family intact plus a new life recently born. I still get to run and play basketball even though I easily ran out of breath. I passed my 3E even though it was just a 2.0. And I know I still have my friends even if we don't go on gimiks on saturday nights.

So I asked myself...why is there sadness within?
I thought and came up with an answer.
I forgot about the basics.
I forgot how to laugh.
I forgot what it's like to just sit back and relax.
I forgot how to talk about the simplest things and crack a corny joke that would make everyone laugh.

And so now, I am going back to the basics.
I have to know what it's like to be reborn. I have to start anew and leave most of the memories behind.
It's still a part of me. But I will have to move on...