LAST DAY (a sequel to the letter Last Few Days...)

written December 20, 2005 (course card day)

The day has finally come...the day which I wished to have come long ago to end up all the misery the deadlines of papers and exams are bringing...to end the stress, the lack of sleep, the tension...the day which now I wouldn't want to end.

I don't really know why it has to end that way. I thought I won't be seeing you anymore just as I don't see most of my regular classmates on this given day. I'd even prayed for me not to see you again on this last day to make things easier for me. But still I saw you, you were there and you were with that special someone. When times like this happen, I see it as destiny playing its stupid games on me. But now I see another side, the side that says maybe God is just giving me that one last glimpse before I would really have to turn my thoughts and feelings away from you.

I thought it's gonna be easy just as all those in the past have come and gone. And now, I'm actually trying to make the pace of getting over you a little bit faster as I keep myself busy with anything I can lay my hands on. But I was dead wrong, for (this is gonna sound stupid and oh so normal for those in this state of emotions but oh yeah it's true) in every second and in every minute of the day, I'm thinking of you. I hug my pillow tight at night wishing it was you. I wake up each morning still thinking you're with me. I pray for you at mass. I see you with me in every romantic flick. In every meal, I remember that day I saw you at a fast food chain spending some time with a friend and that someone when you yourself weren't eating. In every sport,I wish I'd had a match with you and see just how good you look even as you perspire. And I could just lay down on my bed all day thinking of the things we could do together, places we could go after, and adventures we could go exploring with each other.

But then reality knocks in...and so I just really really hope that someday I would just look at my blog and read this and laugh at my craziness for I know that for us there is no tomorrow.

And since that's the case, I accepted the fact that today may really be the last day...all I wanted was to have something physical as a memory. I know I've done some crazy things these past few days like wanting to take a photographic memory of you, but I don't know if you've noticed. I don't know if that's what has lead to your adverse attitude towards me. I don't know if you are mad at me but you seem to be be avoiding the eye contact i'm making, the only kind of communication we've had ever since.

It hurts to see you with your significant other.
It hurts more that I would have nothing to hold on to.
It hurts most that I would have to know such a wonderful person like you and yet not be given the chance to explore the wholeness of your being.

So the song goes...
And if you still go,I'll understand,would you give me something just to hold on to.And if you'd stay,I'll hold you hand 'coz I'm truly madly crazy in love with you.

(translation to my case)I know you wouldn't stay, I know you'd go away, but all that I hoped for was to have something to hold on to.

But there wasn't but the memory of your face, your moves and those few moments we made contact through our eyes...

So, is this it? I hope not...but then GOODBYE!

but baby goodbye doesn't mean forever, let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again...